My advice is to put on your sweatpants, loosen (or lose) the belt or just show up without any pants to provide a few extra inches of room on Thursday at the dinner table.
Because it’s time for Thanksgiving dinner.
For this edition of Flood Watch, I want to go over the Thanksgiving dinner menu with a twist: what prominent sports figures are synonymous with traditional Thanksgiving dinner foods?
First off, we have the main course, the potluck’s poultry, basted until golden brown. The Thanksgiving turkey of the sports world is the Alabama Crimson Tide. It’s not many peoples’ favorite; in all actuality, there’s a fair amount of people who think it’s dry, tasteless and gets boring, as it’s at the center of the table every single year.
The people who make the turkey always think that the turkey is the best turkey anyone could come across (Heisman candidates), and, unfortunately, they’re usually right. At the end of the day, everyone knows you just can’t imagine Thanksgiving without turkey, no matter how much you like or dislike it.
Next up, we have the Golden State Warriors, also known as the mashed potatoes. Whether you eat them with gravy or butter or however else you can fix up potatoes, it’s hard to deny that they’re just so incredibly good.
And even if you aren’t the biggest fan of mashed potatoes, when people bring up favorite Thanksgiving foods, once you see them, you only want more.
Who knows, maybe another food will see how much better the mashed potatoes are and ask to be traded to the potatoes next year.
Following the taters are our very own Detroit Lions, or the stuffing. It seems like, even though the foods the stuffing is paired with changes every other year, stuffing makes an appearance every single Thanksgiving Day.
We’ve all seen terrible stuffing, and when stuffing is bad, it can be the worst thing at dinner. But when the stuffing is executed well, it can be one of the most impressive additions to Thanksgiving dinner.
For the rolls, we have the Cleveland Browns. Nobody goes crazy over the rolls because, well, they’re just so plain and “every day.”
They’re nobody’s favorite, and rightfully so. If you tried to argue that rolls are the best food at dinner, you’re going to have an awfully hard time doing so.
And let’s be honest, if someone forgets to make or bring a food, what is it that usually gets forgotten? The rolls. When they are remembered, it just seems like they’re kind of just there to take up an empty spot at the table.
Those who do love rolls say so just because they brought the rolls or, in other words, the rolls are from where they’re from. Regardless, we have to admit that we can’t get rid of the Browns because, before all these other fancy foods got to the table, the rolls really were one of the best.
Finally, we have the cranberry sauce, synonymous with none other than the Green Bay Packers.
It’s gross, it’s nasty, it looks terrible, it smells bad. And how do you even serve it? With a fork? Spoon? OK, maybe that last bit doesn’t relate to the Packers, but you can’t deny it’s a fair question.
The fact is, the vast majority of dinner-goers think the cranberry sauce shouldn’t even make it on the table. In fact, the only reason you have cranberry sauce is because your dull and musty Aunt Olivia from Wisconsin won’t come unless you have cranberry sauce.
The worst part is that your Aunt Olivia from Wisconsin will defend cranberry sauce until the day she dies, saying it’s the best Thanksgiving food ever, even if the main ingredient that provides any of the good in cranberry sauce gets injured for the rest of the year, dooming cranberry sauce to another failed season that “had so much potential.” Phew. Needed to get that off my chest.
So plop down at the table this year having already accepted the fact that you’re going to stand back up a few inches wider. I hope you wear the colors of your favorite Thanksgiving food, and hopefully we can all watch the stuffing beat the cranberry sauce this year and win the NFC North.